brain dump 2

OK so getting more shit out of my brain.

I think I need to start therapy again. I don't know. I AM about to start training for a triathlon. Wonder if that will take the place of therapy? Probably. Swim bike run swim bike run strength lather rinse repeat.

Gotta help with the sleep issues anyway.

Life just is what it is. Whatever pieces of it I have chosen and whatever pieces have been thrust upon me...well, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day it all has to be dealt with, and it's all taking up room in my head.

I worry about Meghan, I worry about Molly. I worry I am wrong, that I'm a bad parent, that I slack too much in some areas and hover too much in others.

I wish I had some mind altering substances to shut down the crazy part and let the creative part out for awhile. My understanding, and my fear, of the prescription meds is that they will shut down both. I guess living with the crazy is the price I pay for having access to the creative part.

I wish I didn't like the Justin Bieber song Boyfriend so fucking much. I even downloaded it. I am so ashamed.

Are y'all sick of hearing about me yet? I don't blame you.

I told Jeff I was going to start on the memoir of our friendship. The thing I started, the story of Andy and I, is so bleghhhhh I just want to puke. It's a story that doesn't need to be told, not now. Not  by me. It's too raw. I am too bitter. I'm too fragile, too newly removed from him.

So.

Brain dump. Off to write...something...for seven minutes. Or more.

brain dump 5-2

What is keeping me from writing?
I am so tired all the time, my sleep is completely messed up. I wake up every day between 3:30 and 4:30 am and I don't go back to  sleep.

I don't think it's good enough. I don't know how to take the sentences and craft them into a novel. I don't know how to do the twists and turns that keep people reading. I don't think, ultimately, that THAT story is the story I am supposed to tell. It's not mine, it's his. And I wouldn't want someone else telling MY untellable story.

And I can't think of another story to tell.

Work is good, but so busy and so multi-tasky and I have to switch gears so quickly all day long...and that wears me out. I don't have the luxury of long stretches of time to work on things, because there are just so many things.

There is all the personal stuff...should we move? Should he move back here? Do I look for a job there? Do I apply to school? Do we sell the house? One set of money issues is managed but there are two more that need to be dealt with and I hate dealing with them.

My mom, my dad, my brother. All the triangulation. All the bullshit. I just want to run away. I'm a grown woman, I should be able to handle this.

My recent realization that I am under no obligation to tell anyone anything, to tell someone everything, to put it all out there. Some things? Are just not theirs to know. Some things are just mine, or just ours, and that doesn't mean I don't value a person's friendship...it just means that some things are for me and me alone.

OK brain dump over. For now.

Haiku Friday - Close and Sticky Edition

(from the humidity. Just to clarify)

Two federal grants
My job to develop, write
Due at the same time

***

Fourteen days have passed
Not that I'm counting, mind you
Just fooling myself

***

Vanilla Milkshake
Popcorn and mini-churros
Sad, sad substitutes

***

Week one at Y camp
Pale skin gives way to freckles
Sun, fun, swimming, crafts

***

Does love go to waste?
Can love be found, recaptured?
Can the heart refill?

***

Haiku Thursday - Bonus Edition

With each passing day
A period replaces
Looming question marks

Haiku Friday - 4 day Weekend Edition!

Hours stretch ahead
Lazy, empty, nourishing
My heart, my soul, rest.

Walking away is
Not nearly as easy as
You would think it is

Things in practice
Are never as easy as
They are in theory

Hot humidity
Hugs as tight as your old aunt
At the reunion

Parts of me need things
That other parts of me know
Are very bad things

Weigh in is today
Hoping for a decent loss
4 days to first goal

Sparkling blue water
A trip to the library
Cleaning the kitchen

Tan lines and flip flops
Beach reads and sunscreen and heat
Summertime is here

Filling in bare spots
Mowing, weeding and trimming
I want more flowers

Useless but pretty
A small shot of happiness
Maybe it's enough

The Farmer's Market
Calls to me but not the kids
Going anyway!

But...

I don't want to care
Don't want to feel second best
I'm just an option

***

Old words are worthless
Promises made mean nothing
I should be patient

***

Following the rules
We have not even discussed
Still not good enough

***

Impatient, childish
I thought you brought out my best
Maybe I was wrong

Windows

Open up your eyes

Let me see into your soul

And look into mine.

Haiku Friday - Vodka Tonic Edition

Icy, magical
Silvery liquid magic
I love good vodka

***

Ahh, Ugly Betty
You are both my biggest fear
And my heroine.

***

The wind howled and howled
I spent the whole day in bed
Wishing you were there

***

The strength that you see
When you look in my eyes
Simply costs too much

***

When I wear that shirt
All I can remember
is not wearing that shirt

***

Self-doubt swirls around
I never know what to think
My confidence wanes

***

Semantics

Not leaving

is not the same

as staying.

Saying something is a promise

is not the same

as promising something.

OK, fine

is not the same

as yes!

Not talking about something

is not the same

as something not being real.

Wanting

is not the same

as having.

Needing

is not the sam

as loving.

Letting go

is not the same

as walking away.

Not now

is not the same

as never.

Not saying it out loud

is not the same

as silence.

Walking around, making it through the day

is not the same

as living.

Not being here

is not the same

as being there.

Haiku Saturday - I'm Not Always Late, But I Usually Am

I love Trader Joe's
An oasis of cool food
And also, cheap wine

***

Sunny clementines
Just not enough to combat
Sadness and my SAD

***

The green tree sparkles
Each ornament a story
A piece of our past

***

This weird, weird weather
Like a Katy Perry song
Don't mean to like it

***

Friends come and friends go
Someone leaves, someone returns
The key is balance

***

Wonder what I'd say
If Christmas happened today
Would I welcome them?

***

I'm so intrigued by
Four hundred years of silence
And then, the baby

***
Merry Christmas!

Coming To Terms

I was shocked to find myself saying your name

after so many months

of not saying your name.

I even prefaced your name with

“my friend” when I know,

in fact,

that you aren’t my friend at all.

So after months of pointedly

not missing you

not thinking of you

not remembering you,

the loss of you

arrived unbidden and unexpected

and the loss of you

felt more real than almost any other loss

and the loss of you

hurt me but I didn’t cry

we don’t cry

remember,

how we don’t cry?

Remember how we

were like sisters and

how my kids called you Aunt

and the little one had a special way

of saying your name

and we loved you

I love you still

but the loss of you

is something I must bear

and invent and imagine all the reasons why

and guard against so that I never

have to bear this loss again.

Haiku Friday - Home Alone Edition

I dream of running
Running from something, some man
I wake up tired.

***

In morning's quiet
I ask, I seek, I listen
And I hear Him speak.

***

He paints a picture
Of a whole different life
Am I brave enough?

***

The kids take over
My room is no longer mine
They are "camping out."

***

Her sideways glances
And her upswept auburn hair
Make her beautiful

***

Red peeks through the brown
I screwed up my hair color
Well, it is unique...

***

Promises to keep
Hardest - the ones to myself
Integrity holds

***

My best premise yet
Perhaps not fair to write it
But what if I'm right?

***

Haiku Saturday

World-weary, tired
Guarded, defensive, all spent
But my hair looks good!

***
Sometimes I wonder
Why I let you get to me
And sometimes I know

***
He asks hard questions
My answers sound forced and wrong
And he stops digging

***
My writing suffers
Inspiration shrivels
Where are my muses?

***

Haiku Friday - Cali Edition

Constant ocean breeze
Gentle balm for weary souls
Chilly in the shade

***
Channel Islands rise
Amid mist and haze and clouds
So mysterious

***
Palm trees sway above me
Various seabirds take flight
Should I fear earthquakes?

***
Not quite young lovers
But rediscovering things
We had forgotten

***
We walked and held hands
Along sandy, rocky shore
A new day begins

Vacation anyone?

My husband and I are heading out on vacation tomorrow morning at the ungodly hour of 7:40 AM. We're going to California - landing in LA and driving to Ventura Beach. Then we're heading to El Capitan, Malibu, maybe Mexico. I am SO excited, which is only slightly tempered by my feeling vaguely guilty for leaving the kids and dogs with Grandma.

I'm packed. The only thing left is my laptop and my makeup. It has been SO long since we've been out of town...to the beach...with time for drinks...for reconnecting...for dreaming...for thinking...

And lots of time for writing! :)

Stream of consciousness

SO MUCH LAUNDRY. I'm not sure it would all get done even if I ran the washer and dryer constantly until we leave!
And...we ARE leaving! We're going on vacation to California, since Grandma finally agreed to keep the kids and the dogs. I know it's a lot to ask. But we rarely ask for anything. But I still feel guilty for asking.

My head hurts. I don't want it to - it's a beautiful day and it's going to be a fun week, away from stress and work and everything. I want to be able to look forward to vacation, not feel guilty about it!

We will probably not have another vacation alone together - we will cherish this one!

I really wish I didn't have to work tomorrow. But it's only till 2.

I also hope I can get my expense check tomorrow...hope hope hope!

So, what is the most important thing you need to know about my character, Siobhan Douglass?

She is for real, and from the very beginning she takes her gifts very seriously.

Going to take a nap...then...a couple thousand words on my novel, laundry, dinner....it's always something!

Sooo, I am an IDIOT

I signed up for Nanowrimo AND Nablopomo.

If you know what is wrong with me, please post it in the comments!

I have no idea what I will post, but I am envisioning kind of a mind-opening type thing before I start working on my novel each day. So, it could get VERY interesting!

Free your mind, and the rest will follow. Right?!

So here is the prologue to my novel, Gifted:

She pushed a lock of her long brown hair away from her angular face, tucking it behind her ear. She chewed on her bottom lip, stared off into space. Before she realized it, before she could stop it, it was happening again. She shook her head, closed her eyes, trying to rid her mind of its vision, trying to interrupt and silence the voice that spoke directly to her. The vision grew stronger, the voice grew louder and more insistent. She briefly wondered if she was crazy. Then her thoughts were not her own anymore. Everything that was uniquely and undeniably her was gone and only the voice and the vision remained. It was just like before, just like when she was a child.

Her only choice was absolute surrender. And so she surrendered. She gave in, not knowing when she would belong to herself again, not knowing when the vision would be over, or when it would come to pass. Just knowing that until it was over, she was a hostage to her gift.

How many words is that? Oh? Not 50,000?

Back to the other screen....see you tomorrow!

PS - Marvin and Laura,
I will endeavor to continue Haiku Fridays for your 5-7-5 enjoyment!

:)

Halloween Haiku

Jack o'lanterns shine
Kids in costumes trick or treat
Nanowrimo looms

***

Chocolate and Smarties
Lollipops and spider rings
Children's brilliant smiles

***

Leaves change, the air chills
Autumn swoops in, crisp and clear
I miss my sandals!

***

Love, lust and friendship
We've struggled with this for years
We still don't get it.

***

Thursday reverie
Beer, pizza, Ugly Betty
Gets me through the week.

***

Ghosties and goblins
Things that go bump in the night
Happy Halloween!

Nanowrimo 2008 - Gifted

Gifted
She has the gifts most misunderstood, most rejected, most exploited…prophecy, healing, speaking in tongues.
Taught to hide her gifts from childhood, she is horrified when they grow stronger and their presence becomes involuntary through adolescence.
Then what happens when she embraces her gifts, and is tested and fails, and has to find a way to heal again with hands that have killed, has to find a way to speak in tongues again with a voice that has fallen silent, and must prophesy again from a mind that has gone blank?
Who heals the healer? Who can stir the voice of the one who can speak in tongues? Who can open the mind of the prophet?
Soon, and very soon, she will find out.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/406747

Haiku Friday - Exhausted Edition

Rain falls, the wind blows
Autumn has finally come
Gray skies match my mood

***

Not where I should be
I know God has more for me
I seek and listen

***

Amazing how words
Have the power to change things
Bring dead dreams to life

***

Nanowrimo looms
One month, one great novel
No ideas in sight

***

God speaks, I listen
His love and grace transform me
His voice guides my days

***

No longer hiding
Living my life in His light
Reflecting His love

***