Coming To Terms

I was shocked to find myself saying your name

after so many months

of not saying your name.

I even prefaced your name with

“my friend” when I know,

in fact,

that you aren’t my friend at all.

So after months of pointedly

not missing you

not thinking of you

not remembering you,

the loss of you

arrived unbidden and unexpected

and the loss of you

felt more real than almost any other loss

and the loss of you

hurt me but I didn’t cry

we don’t cry

remember,

how we don’t cry?

Remember how we

were like sisters and

how my kids called you Aunt

and the little one had a special way

of saying your name

and we loved you

I love you still

but the loss of you

is something I must bear

and invent and imagine all the reasons why

and guard against so that I never

have to bear this loss again.