Wednesday, May 2, 2012

brain dump 5-2

What is keeping me from writing?
I am so tired all the time, my sleep is completely messed up. I wake up every day between 3:30 and 4:30 am and I don't go back to  sleep.

I don't think it's good enough. I don't know how to take the sentences and craft them into a novel. I don't know how to do the twists and turns that keep people reading. I don't think, ultimately, that THAT story is the story I am supposed to tell. It's not mine, it's his. And I wouldn't want someone else telling MY untellable story.

And I can't think of another story to tell.

Work is good, but so busy and so multi-tasky and I have to switch gears so quickly all day long...and that wears me out. I don't have the luxury of long stretches of time to work on things, because there are just so many things.

There is all the personal stuff...should we move? Should he move back here? Do I look for a job there? Do I apply to school? Do we sell the house? One set of money issues is managed but there are two more that need to be dealt with and I hate dealing with them.

My mom, my dad, my brother. All the triangulation. All the bullshit. I just want to run away. I'm a grown woman, I should be able to handle this.

My recent realization that I am under no obligation to tell anyone anything, to tell someone everything, to put it all out there. Some things? Are just not theirs to know. Some things are just mine, or just ours, and that doesn't mean I don't value a person's just means that some things are for me and me alone.

OK brain dump over. For now.

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